Crazy- Unique, Wild && free to be me.

i like blogging.

it doen’t even matter to me if anyone reads them - it helps me think through things. it forces me to use my brain. maybe one day, if someone reads it - they will be like “woah! i get it!” idk. not important.

S0 here we go.. .

you know. i’m me. i’m realizing that more and more. i can’t be anything other than me.

i honestly don’t know what to write - but i want to write something.

okay. i got it.

SO- it’s no secrete that i mess up. i make mistakes, do dumb things, and think to myself “seriously!? that was dumb..” you’re this way to, no matter HOW perfect you think YOU are.

i was stupid. i did stupid things. i hurt people i care about. i SERIOUSLY had a LOT of growing up to do.

i have been feeling SO guilty . i have apologized 328947 times to people and explained and thought everything through. I CAN’T GO BACK IN TIME. ! it happened, and i seriously needed to move on - but i couldn’t.

i was talking to eric and i was pretty much pulling a pity party for myself, which i hate. he was all nice about it, but even everything and anything HE said wasn’t helping. i needed the guilt to go away. i needed to stop feeling like such a screw up. (can i say that? is that a potty mouth word? - well. i said it. that’s how i felt.)

he said to me. . “okay, here’s something to do. think of all of the good things that came out of the situation. what positive things came out of it?”

i simply said … “i don’t know how to respond to that…” but i didn’t send the text. i sat and thought for a while. it was hard. it took a lot of work to push past the negative feelings and the lies that satan kept throwing at me. a LOT of work. . but i wasn’t going to send the message until i could come up with one, at least ONE positive things that came out of it all.

so i thought.

i realized that through all of that went on - i learned to be more honest. i learned to express what i was REALLY feeling inside.

in spanish class, mrs. hobbs was talking about one of her son’s characteristics. …

he could hold in anger, or frustration for weeks. months. and not say a word. not mention it. not even imply it. but once he popped. it was rough.

that.is.me.

it’s something that i am still working on. i am realizing things about myself that i really never saw a problem with before.

i know. strange.

but true.

it’s important to express how you are feeling. not in like a “freak out” way.. but like a “yo. this is bothering me. and i need to tell you. let’s talk.” kind of a way.

talking about how you feel isn’t always easy. well. for me anyways. i would much rather keep my feelings to myself than to other people. i enjoy giving advice or being the person that someone comes to when they just need to talk. i don’t really like being the talker…

shocker. i know.

but true.

i’ve been working on telling people upfront what is bothering me. even if it’s awkward. i mean. if you are annoyed with something that someone is doing, you can’t expect them to change it if YOU NEVER TOLD THEM IT WAS BOTHERING YOU.

NO one [except God] is a “mind-reader.”

NO ONE.

i’m learning to let people get inside my mind, while still “guarding my heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”