Crazy- Unique, Wild && free to be me.

look. i love spiritual life conferences.

i could literally write a book about it. -but i won’t.

actually, i am not even sure where i want to go with this. i wanna pour my heart out for a min.

here we go.

today the speaker said something …and all i heard was:

“like, maybe God’s telling you not to date… maybe He’s telling you shouldn’t be dating anyone right now… and maybe you don’t like that. .. but it’s your choice to listen or reject.”

yeahh.. this has been something God has laid on my heart for a while now. i have fought it, and it always back fires. i get annoyed. ! REALLY -annoyed. i just wanna be like “DUDE. okay, SERIOUSLY!? God - this is DUMB.” anddd i tell Him that a lot. every day, it gets easier. sometimes it’s hard, but it gets easier as i get older to realize He knows what He is doing.

sometimes it scares me though. i’m afraid i’ll be lonely for a while. like. i won’t have someone. and i want someone. God keeps telling me that when HE becomes my best boyfriend, things will look different for me. i mean, i invest SO much in relationships. i talk to people ALL the time. i want to know everything about them. i study them. not in a creepy way, but like a “i love this person so much, and value them… i want to know everything about them. when they are hurting, when they are sad. what makes them tick and what makes them glad.” with God it’s different. i mean, i can honestly say that i LIVE for God. it’s always been “easy” for me. i always try to do the right thing. it’s the way i am. it’s what makes me happy. but with God, it’s different. i talk to Him ALL the time. in the middle of no where, i’ll be praying to God… but i don’t INVEST myself like i do with people. i take things in, and study Him…but only when people “make me” or… when i can look good. i have a pretty “deep mind” and i know that a lot of people look up to me. i am not saying this as a confident booster. i’m saying it because people say it to ME. it’s the most incredible gift i could be given by God. i have confidence in myself, who i am, and what i was created to be.

don’t take this the wrong way, but - i wouldn’t want to be anyone else other than me.

i remember, and remind myself of a promise i made to God… that a few times.. i’ve pushed the bar and almost broken… on August 10th 2010 - i committed myself to purity. not sexually, but whole wholeheartedly. purity in the sense that i was going to wait. and wait. and wait. AND WAIT. for the guy God has for me. i KNOW he’s out there.. i’m not worried about that. i am just often impatient. God gave me one specific thing that i am to be “on the look out for”. i’m not telling you, or anyone. i will KNOW without a doubt when God is giving me the “okay” to date. it’s just hard though.

haha it’s gotten to the point where i think that my first REAL boyfriend will end up being the guy i marry. i’d like it that way. which is why it is sometimes “easy” for me to sit back and wait… often you will see me write..

81410. (august 14, 2010)

waiting for my hero, august 14, 2010 - i promise.

it’s my way of reminding myself that GOD is worth the frustration and the annoyance. i CAN and MUST be patient. i am CONVINCED that i will have the perfect love story, because i KNOW that God will honor me for this endurance.

just thought i would share all of that with you.

sorry this was SO long. haha